ReelBob: ‘Assassin 33 A.D.’ ★★½

By Bob Bloom

Some movies are like car wrecks you pass on the highway. Even though you know you shouldn’t, you slow down to gape at the possible carnage.

That basically describes my feelings about “Assassin 33 A.D.,” a low-budget piece that is so bad that it’s amusing to watch. Call it a super, super guilty pleasure.

Just hearing the description of the movie makes you salivate: a faith-based, anti-Muslim, science fiction, time-travel amalgamation of side-splitting guffaws.

“Assassin 33 A.D.” plays like a project film majors at Oral Roberts University would produce as their senior final exam.

All this may sound as if I disliked the movie. Not really, it’s cheap, inept and looks as if parts were shot in someone’s basement or the woods behind someone’s house.

But it sucks you in. You are like a deer in the headlights, mesmerized as this oncoming feature barrels towards you, yet you are incapable of moving.

OK, so here’s the story: Brandt (Donny Boaz), a former military hero, loses his faith after his wife and daughters are killed in a car crash.

The bitter Brandt goes to work for a billionaire industrialist who, secretly is a Muslim extremist terrorist. A group of young researchers led by Ram Goldstein (Morgan Roberts) also are hired by the industrialist to create a matter transporting device.

Instead, Goldstein and his team accidentally conceive a time-travel contraption. The machine inspires the industrialist, Ahmed Ahkbar (Gerardo Davila), to concoct a much better plan. He will send a team, led by the disillusioned Brandt, back to Jerusalem, where the team will assassinate Jesus Christ and his disciples, thus making sure Christianity never comes to fruition.

The movie features multiple deaths of the same characters as various situations create different timelines as Brandt and his team as, plus Goldstein — who learns of the plot — and his fellow researchers begin using the time machine as quickly and often as the New York City subway. Let’s just say, a lot of resurrection takes place in “Assassin 33 A.D.”

The film is all nonsense; some people will find it offensive, others amateurish. It’s a silly stew with echoes of “Groundhog Day” and “The Terminator” (at one point, Jesus does say, “I’ll be back.”)

Yes, I forgot to mention that Jesus (Jason Castro, who looks as if he just walked off his surfboard at Long Beach), speaks English.

One of Goldstein’s researchers is the only person to comment on this. Everyone else accepts it without question.

“Assassin 33 A.D.” is prime schlock, in a category with such other silly programmers as 1953’s “Robot Monster” or any grade-Z PRC or Monogram sci-fi effort from the 1940s.

“Assassin 33 A.D.” takes itself too seriously, which makes it even more hilarious.

I am not high on religion, but I have enjoyed a few faith-based movies such as “Soul Surfer” and “Breakthrough.”

But “Assassin 33 A.D.” is in a class by itself. Some sequences make you squirm, but overall, the movie will have you laughing.

And as a bonus, the finale sets things up for a sequel. I can’t wait!

I am a founding member of the Indiana Film Journalists Association. My reviews appear at ReelBob (reelbob.com) and Rottentomatoes (www.rottentomatoes.com). I also review Blu-rays and DVDs. I can be reached by email at bobbloomjc@gmail.com or on Twitter @ReelBobBloom. Links to my reviews can be found on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn.

ASSASSIN 33 A.D.
2½ stars out of 4
(PG-13), graphic violence, thematic elements