ReelBob: ‘Jungle Cruise’ ★
By Bob Bloom
“Jungle Cruise” is a series of formulaic sequences and hackneyed characters wrapped in a movie based on a slow-moving Disney ride that is as exciting as a turn on a merry-go-round.
And to think it took five writers — four to concoct the story and two of those, with help from another, to adapt — which is a generous term — its screenplay. An imaginative 12-year-old could have created something similar — and probably been paid in free passes to Disneyland or Disney World.
“Jungle Cruise” is a movie that never met a cliché it didn’t like.
The story centers on one of those legendary items — this time a tree in the midst of the Amazon — which bears leaves that can cure any illness.
Of course, the movie also features a mysterious object that holds the key to this tree’s locations, curses and various dangers that must be overcome to reach the site.
Seeking it is Dr. Lily Houghton (Emily Blunt), a scientist undeterred by the mocking of England’s all-male scientific community. Accompanying her is her ne’er-do-well, dandified brother, McGregor (Jack Whitehall), a hapless and prissy individual.
Guiding them on the river is Frank Wolff (Dwayne Johnson), a wisecracking skipper whose boat is as old and decrepit as the plotline.
If “Jungle Cruise” contained an original concept, it would die of loneliness.
Opposing this trio of intrepid seekers is Prince Joachim (Jesse Plemons), a German prince who wants to harness the power of the tree to help his nation win the war. Oh, yes, the movie is set in 1916, and World War I is raging in Europe.
Plemons’ German accent sounds as if he is auditioning for the role of Hitler in Mel Brooks’ “The Producers.” He is a cartoonish figure that cannot be taken seriously.
Actually, nothing about “Jungle Cruise” can be taken seriously. I’d advise you to simply go along for the ride, but since it’s about a 127-minute excursion, you may need a picker-upper or two to hold your attention.
Plus, the movie hits the 35-minute mark before the actual cruise begins. The film is bloated with much filler that could have easily been excised.
Johnson and Blunt don’t try very hard; they are defined by their occupations — resourceful explorer for Blunt and river scalawag for Johnson.
The late Dorothy Parker once said about a Katharine Hepburn performance that it ran the gamut of emotions from A to B. Neither Blunt nor Johnson even makes it that far.
A subplot involves a big secret about Frank and his origins, but it is revealed in such a nonchalant manner that it lacks any real impact.
“Jungle Cruise’s” unimpressive CGI special effects involving conquistadors, snakes and jungle vines are as flat and overused as the rest of the movie.
“Jungle Cruise” is warmed over bits and pieces borrowed or inspired by other — and mostly better — movies.
The well has dried for Disney’s forays into its theme-park rides for cinematic inspiration — unless they can find some 10-year-old to devise a “Splash Mountain” story.
JUNGLE CRUISE
1 star out of 4
(PG-13) adventure violence